I woke at 4:55 on Saturday morning, 5 minutes before my alarm, to get up and go out to do our long run of 10.5 miles. Before leaving my driveway, I had decided that today’s run was going to be different because I was going to keep up with Coach Jenny rather than seeing the back of her most of the time. You see - she tends to run at a faster pace than the rest of us so she keeps it slower for most of the time - until she kicks it in on the last few miles.
When I got to Jenny’s driveway at 6am, there was a cool breeze in the air which we haven’t had since April; so it felt really good. Jenny has been training me and many others for the past few years to run/walk full and half marathons. We usually start at her house then go out on our trail and come back. We tend to do a similar route depending on how many miles we are doing. As we were on the last mile and a half, Jenny ran back behind me to check on and run with some of the other girls.
At that moment, I said to myself, “I am going to finish first today”. I have never finished first and actually every time we do this route I have self-sabotaged at about this point and have always ended up last. But today, something inside of me said “GO FOR IT” so I listened and chose to make it happen.
I started into a hard fast walk for 2 minutes then back into a run for 3 minutes. I never looked back to see where anyone was until I was ready to turn down Jenny’s road toward her house. At that moment, I saw her probably 25-30 feet behind me; then I thought for a moment - she might catch up and pass me. Well, she didn’t and I turned that corner running straight to her house at a pace that is not usual for me. It was exhilarating!!
When we got to her house, I told her “I have never finished first before” and informed her that she gave me a gift today. Then my friend Erin says, “Michelle, you gave yourself a gift.” You see in my mind I thought she let me finish first and didn’t catch up to me so I could have that gift. But Jenny said that she did try to catch up and was running at so fast of a pace that she gave up.
So, I really did give myself a gift in allowing myself to push through. Right before Jenny had turned around to check on the other ladies, I had said to Jenny that I was going to do an extended time of walking but she did not hear me. Now, I am glad she didn’t because that would have been my excuse to slow down and come in last.
You might be thinking great story for you but how does this benefit me? We all have places in our lives where we want to push through obstacles or overcome things standing in the way but we always seem to self-sabotage.
Why do we do this? It has a lot to do with what we are saying to ourselves and what we choose to do after that. Some statements you might have thought are as follows:
I NOT WORTHY
I CAN’T GET ABOVE OTHERS OR THEY WILL NOTICE ME AND BEING NOTICED IS NOT SAFE
I DON’T KNOW HOW
PEOPLE WILL JUDGE ME
NO ONE WILL SUPPORT ME
I AM NOT PRETTY, NOT STRONG, NOT CONFIDENT, NOT HEALTHY ENOUGH TO DO THOSE THINGS
These are just a few false statements that have played in my head at different times of my life that have kept me from achieving what my heart truly desires. My prayer is that you might realize where you self-sabotage in your life and decide to give yourself a gift today that says, I CAN DO THIS!