Thank you for returning to hear the rest of my story. I could fill pages with what’s in my heart, and maybe one day I will do just that. For now, I am trying to break it down simply for one blog. Last time, I told you about how I continuously fell to the sin of sexual addictions and wanting the love and attention from someone other than my husband. Today I want to share how God gripped me.
It continues to be a painful element to share…however, God is doing huge things in my heart and I pray that somehow these can be used for His glory. It is only by His grace that I can sit and share these things at all.
Calling me out of my sin
Back up to February 2012, I was not engaging in continual sexual or physical behaviors. However, I was still talking about them with the man I’d engaged in physical activity. Also, we were still definitely flirting and crossing lines. There was a weekend that my children were out of the house and my husband was at work. Of course, in my heart, I had silly plans of spending time with that man. However, God had other plans and intervened for me to spend time with Him – REAL time. This is when He really gripped my heart.
This man told countless lies to get out of spending time together. I could sense them being lies, though he wasn’t admitting it. I literally fell on the floor and wept after basically begging this man to spend time with me. How pathetic could I possibly get? When I realized what was happening, I said to myself, “What am I doing?” I fell on my knees and wept. I wept because I was heartbroken and lonely (More lonely, I’ll add, then when I’d started talking to this man, thinking he could fill the spots my husband was leaving empty). I wept because I knew I was sinning. I wept because then and there God gripped me and said,
“Please stop, I love you!!! What more could you really want?”
I heard His voice louder than I had in a long time. It had been a long time. I’d been sinning in my heart for so long–thinking of other men when I was with my husband; engaging in conversations not meant to be had; pushing God off telling Him essentially He wasn’t good enough to fill me; And bottom line is this-sin separates me from God. Also my sin was separating me from my husband. Things hadn’t been good for a while and I certainly wasn’t helping.
Heart of the confession
After that night, I repented before God for all I’d done. I wanted to turn my ways, but I was still in a huge battle. I didn’t think I could tell my husband. I thought it would make things worse. Our marriage had some pieces that got better, but those secrets were larger barriers than I could ever know. I could share for pages as to how things all unfolded, but I will get to the point.
At the end of April, I told my husband everything. It came out a little at first. Once I told him, I called my pastor and his wife to share with them. Next, I chose to tell all the family. Not because he asked me to but because I needed to. I needed to seek forgiveness from a lot of people. I did not share details with anyone but my husband but I asked the family to forgive my wrongs and for them to pray for our marriage. In all of this, I never said any of my husband’s wrongs. To be honest, in human eyes, my wrongs were so much greater, that was all anyone saw or heard anyway. This is still a struggle today leaving this up to God but this isn’t about my husband, it’s about me.
Sharing with his parents and then with my father were the hardest things I ‘d ever done. I cried. The week I told my husband, little details came out all week-long. Then on Thursday, all details had come out. It was so painful. Seeing the pain in his eyes was the worst hurt I’d ever seen (and I’ve seen my share).
My heart was broken and yet, as broken as my heart was, it was also more whole than it had been in a long time.
Feeling whole again
Why, do you ask did I feel whole again? Because God was filling the holes I’d been giving to other men or asking my husband to fill. He was there waiting for me all along. I know this because as soon as I sat before Him and asked Him to forgive me, I was washed with His peace. He was just waiting.
You may wonder what has happened since early this year. Let me share briefly (again…this could last pages). My husband embraced me and said he forgave me. Forgiveness does not come without pain, without work and without looking at each new day as a fresh one with God’s new mercies. My husband is choosing to stay with me and I am choosing to stay with him. We are in counseling together and I’m seeking help through some godly women. I choose to tell me story so I can help other women not walk into these same mistakes. I choose to work every day on forgiving myself.
I have to still fight the thoughts at times of feeling unwanted and fighting that initial battle of looking for filling words from a man. I battle these thoughts by repeating to myself all the time, “I am washed in His grace. I have been redeemed. I can do this.” God, and God alone, gives me the strength to fight the battle. And WIN!!!!! I choose to continually seek Him daily.
One last thing I want to leave with you is the following verses that I am working on memorizing.
James 4: 4-10, THe Message version.
” You’re cheating on God. If all you want is your own way, flirting with the world every chance you get, you end up enemies of God and his way. And do you suppose God doesn’t care? The proverb has it that “He’s a fiercely jealous lover” and what He gives in love is far better than anything else you’ll find. It’s common knowledge that God goes against the willful proud; God gives grace to the willing humble.” So let God work His will in you .Yell a loud no to the devil and watch him scamper. Say a quiet yes to God and He’ll be there in no time. Quit dabbling in sin. Purify your life. Quit playing the field. Hit bottom, and cry your eyes out. The fun and games are over. Get serious. really serious. Get down on your knees before the master, it’s the only way you’ll get on your feet.”
Please refer to these two resources for more information on this subject.
- From Satan’s Slippery Slope to God’s Graceful Grip, Part 1. (Anonymous) (iwokeupyesterday.com)