I want to begin sharing a story with you that is very painful for me, but one I pray God can use. I am choosing to remain anonymous due to the fresh pain I feel and because my story involves my husband and he is not ready to share the story yet.
Please bear with me as I share how I fell down Satan’s slippery slope. As you read this, I will be praying for each reader. I pray my story can help you stay away from this not so much talked about problem.
That problem is sexual sin for women.
So often we hear about how men get trapped in pornography. extra-marital affairs or sexual lust. I sit before you to tell you it can happen to you women, too. It happened to me, and I never believed it could. This issue is so often ignored in the Christian community which is why I choose to share my story.
I was raised in a beautiful Christian home. I had a wonderful childhood, and amazing parents. I had no complaints. I’d never dabbled in sex or even much dating until I met my husband. We married and he was the only man I’d ever been with or even kissed.
Unfortunately, that changed 2 years ago.
I cry as I sit and write this. Finding the right words are so difficult. Let me take you on my journey, and I hope you can learn from my mistakes and keep away from the same slippery slope.
I felt alone. I felt unloved and unwanted. I began to believe the lies Satan spewed at me…”You’ll never be good enough. You’re not pretty enough. Another man could certainly appreciate you more. He’ll never say things to you the way you want to hear them, the way you deserve them….” So the lies grew in my heart and my mind. It was a very slow fade that started in large part with my insecurities.
I was still holding onto God, but loosely. Little by little, I began to listen to the world, and Satan’s lies. I began to let go of the loose grip I had on God. One man entered the picture.
Thus began my first affair. This man lathered me with kind words. He smiled at me. He made me laugh. He listened to my ideas and supported my endeavors. I refer to this as an emotional affair. There was no type of physical contact whatsoever-not even a hug.
However, I spent hours talking with this man when my husband was not around. He became my best friend instead of my husband, and we shared intimate conversations. He wanted me. He enjoyed me. He appreciated me. I fell into a lie and a trap. I didn’t realize I was in it.
Here are some of the lies I told myself:
Lie 1- “We’re just talking.” Don’t be fooled by this statement!!! There are many things you are only supposed to discuss with your spouse, like sex and heart issues.
Lie 2-”It’s not wrong to think about another man, I’m not acting on it.” What a lie. These thoughts began to take root as an action in my heart and life, and it played a devastating part in my own life and marriage.
The Bible tells us that “As a man thinks in his heart, so his words will be….” The things I said to this man and the thoughts I had (and kept to myself) were sin. I began slowly wishing my husband was more. The comparison game began, and my husband never measured up. Do you know why? IT WASN’T REALITY!! But even more so…BECAUSE IT WAS SIN!!!!!
My husband discovered the emotional affair and we had our blows about it. Then, we went to counseling. But as we got better, we quit going. I was unwilling to give up hugging other men. I thought it was my right and that I could determine who was safe or wasn’t. I was unwilling to give up male friends on Facebook because I thought my husband was being controlling. Slowly but surely, this sin crept back into my life.
Lie 3 -”If it’s not sex, it’s not wrong.” The Bible tells us even our thoughts are impure, so when physical contact happened with another man (not the same man as the first) I justified it. In my mind, it wasn’t as bad as having sexual intercourse. A kiss is cheating. Sex is cheating. A thought is cheating. I know this may sound crazy to some of you (trust me, I said that it was crazy too once) but it is so true!
Every step you take toward a man who is not your spouse is creating a barrier in your marriage. Worse, it’s creating a barrier between you and God.
My sins spiraled out of control and I found myself in the worst place ever. I added a physical element to the affair and I was in a fog. I couldn’t see God. I had no idea who I was becoming. I made horrible choices that impacted so many people. I gave in to my sexual desire. I lost my dignity and integrity by giving into temptation.
This affair happened in December. In early February, God gripped me and I fell on the floor weeping, confessing my sins.
Be careful who you let in your life. A dangerous man knows how to slither his way in. Be on guard. Trust is a gift to be given and not misplaced. As a married woman, it should never be given away to another man. Surround yourself with godly women.
Don’t be ashamed to share your story. Pray. Be vulnerable with a trusted godly woman. Allow God to be your first love. He wants me in love with Him even more than I love anyone. Then, I can experience true love with my spouse.
Sexual temptation begins in the mind, then goes to the heart and flows out in our actions. Put measures in place to protect your heart and mind. For example: Stay away from chat rooms; don’t hug men; don’t intimately share your life with a man.
I ask you to stay tuned for Part 2 where I will share about how God’s amazing grace has totally gripped me.