THE SECRET THAT KEPT ME STUCK
I had only known him a few months and our relationship was pretty shallow. I was certain he would not receive this news well. We met in a coffee shop, only 6 weeks before. A baby was not what either of us had intended.
I had recently moved back to Florida after quitting both a job and relationship in Denver. I was no longer taking my medication for bipolar and was in a manic episode. Needless to say, my impulse control was at an all time low.
When I told him I was pregnant, he said that he would help me take care of it; meaning help me terminate the pregnancy. This went against all of my personal and spiritual convictions. I was raised in a Christian home where we stood for life, and this included holding posters and marching in pro-life parades.
Convictions aside, I wanted to please him and I did not want to lose him. (Codependency is a hard habit to break).
Two weeks later, I was at the clinic. He was offering support as financier, driver and nurse. As we walked up to the clinic, there were protesters outside and I avoided eye contact, while comforting myself with these messages: they do not know my story…I am not capable of being a mom…I and we have nothing to offer this child…I cannot carry this baby and give him/her up for someone else to love…I am so unworthy and too messed up.
I remember sitting in the waiting room, feeling like I was having an out of body experience. I could not believe what I was doing, and yet, I could not think of any other way out. He sat next to me silently, offering momentary glances of reassurance. The nurse called my name and the rest was a blur. I elected the full anesthesia. I “came to” in my car.
My womb was empty. I felt so hollow and numb and I told God that he could never forgive me and I was pretty certain that he no longer loved me.
Within weeks, I relapsed into my alcoholism. In addition to pouring drinks, I poured myself into this relationship and did everything within my power to make him love me. I drank secretly and held long and drawn out pity parties, in my honor. He became my drug of choice and we proceeded to almost destroy one another.
I barely saw my family, who lived close by. I never told them the truth about the abortion. Instead, I told them I had a miscarriage. I further separated myself from them and clung all the more to this sick and loveless relationship. I stopped going to church, because the shame I carried was too great.
I could not face God and really didn’t want to be around His people. I had convinced myself that there was no greater sinner in the world than me.
Years later, I would receive healing from this deep and festering wound. I was living in a home for troubled women, called Daughters of Naomi, Inc. Nearly every woman in the home had at some point in life, chosen abortion. The director of the program was post-abortive too and she allowed God to use her story to bring His healing to us.
She led us through a powerful post-abortive book called “Her Choice to Heal”. We attended a post-abortive workshop at a local church where we were surrounded by loving women. There was no judgment, no shame and no condemnation. Instead, they offered hope, restoration and stories of complete and full redemption.
This shame and pain, from having an abortion had kept me stuck for so long. I wanted to die more than I wanted to live. No matter how far I ran or how hard I tried to escape the pain, I could never escape me.
The research arm of Planned Parenthood the Alan Guttmacher Institute, the world’s largest abortion provider, states that, “at current rates, 43% of all women will experience abortion at least once by the time they are 45 years of age.” If abortion is such a common experience, why do post-abortive women rarely speak about their abortions?
I am so grateful that there were women who were restored to wholeness, from their abortion experience. Without their loving example and their exhibiting His grace, I might still be lost.
Because I persevered and walked through my healing, I was able to let God in to that dark hole that had become my heart. I was finally free and I knew that God forgave me. He was always there, ready to forgive, but I was unable to receive it. I finally allowed His redemptive love to cleanse me in the deepest places of my hurt.
I have been clean and sober for more than 7 years. In those seven years of walking with God and trusting Him again, he has restored my dreams to be a wife and mother. I married an amazing, godly man in June of 2003. We have two boys, a four year old and a 5 month old. I also have a step-daughter, who is eleven years old.
My life is a beautiful canvas of His promise to restore, redeem and rebuild.
Today, I am honored to be the woman who can lead others our of their wounding into the healing promises of God. I desire to help women who are post-abortive to finally find the freedom they so desperately need.
Is there a secret in your life that you have never shared? How might sharing this secret lead you to your healing? I encourage you to share with someone safe today, so that you can begin your walk to complete freedom.
If you are post-abortive and would like help finding a support group, please email me at firstname.lastname@example.org.
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- “Inseparable” – “She’s Gone”, Jenny Price (iwokeupyesterday.com)
- 4 Benefits of Telling your Story (by Tammy Bolt Werthem) (iwokeupyesterday.com)
- Got Secrets? (my thoughts on Inseperable) by Tammy Bolt Werthem (iwokeupyesterday.com)