Fighting for my Marriage (by Tammy)

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I still consider myself a newlywed.   Jacob and I celebrated five years of marriage in June 2011.  Marriage is hard work and sometimes even a battle.  The statistics for lasting marriages are not real promising. The “Americans for Divorce Reform” estimates that probably, 40 or possibly even 50 percent of marriages will end in divorce.

Money problems are often cited as the number one cause of divorce in America, but it’s impossible to calculate because they are part of a larger cause usually called ‘irreconcilable differences’, which basically means that couple couldn’t get along. Another key cause is adultery, with an estimated quarter of marriages dissolving for this reason. Surprisingly, very few people cite outright abuse as a cause of divorce. (from www.divorceguide.com)

I have chosen to fight for my marriage and seek to understand my husbands unique struggles.  Thankfully, we have a great support system through our church and our close friendships.  Healthy marriages are modeled for us and we are held accountable in our relationship.  I believe with all my heart, that our relationship will last because Christ is the center and we seek to honor Him and live our lives to serve and glorify Him.

Jacob and I have had our share of conflict and most of our conflict is from raising kids (step-parenting) and money issues.  Another struggle we share is both being visually stimulated.  Getting real about this has set us free and both of us have had healing and great success in overcoming this battle.  In my case, I was exposed to pornography at a young age.  In my adult life, I chose to look at porn as a means of escaping painful emotions, only to exacerbate this pain, creating even more shame.  This is a vicious cycle and so many people struggle silently with this issue.  If only we (as a church) could be more real about this issue and seek to protect ourselves, our husbands and children from exposure to pornography.

If this is an issue in your marriage or relationship, please seek help today and tell a friend, who will love you and hold you accountable.  Also, take action to protect your family by using internet filters such as Safe Eyes or K9 to block pornographic images.

Some really helpful books that helped us in our marriage are:

Every Man’s Battle (Winning the War on Sexual Temptation One Victory at a Time) 

Written by Stephen Arterburn

Every Woman’s Battle: Discovering God’s Plan for Sexual and Emotional Fulfillment 

Written by Shannon Ethridge

  • http://www.facebook.com/brendahaasemendenhall Brenda Haase-Mendenhall

    One of the main reasons I love you so much is your pure honesty about issues and very real things that happen in your life and many others, as well. So many people keep quiet or are afraid of embarrassment or judgement from others, that they forget that there might be a real message out there to share in our Christian journey & that, it might be something that would help another person too. So many people walk around looking and acting so perfectly Christian or perfectly normal, but in reality, underneath those onion layers, is an imperfect being. I love that you bring your imperfections to the outside surface and wear them so everyone can see. I love everything about you. You are REAL to me, Tammy, my sister in Christ. {{{HUG!}}}
    A very real issue for me is physical, verbal, mental & emotional abuse at the hand of men. My past therapist said I had lived through so many horrific situations that I had lived the life of an 80-year old woman. This included losing 14 friends & family members in one year to death & murder. I thought I would never stop grieving…and still, my heart wells up and the tears fall after all of these years.
    You & I have been lucky enough to walk away with life lessons and to stop the continuation of abuses to another generation. My greatest strengths have come from these lessons which took place off of life’s beaten path. Never again would I allow a man to raise a hand to me or use foul language on me. My mistakes aren;t things to hide under a rock. My mistakes are lessons to be learned from and lessons that I’m now able to share with my children so they never go through what I did.
    My sister was sexually abused by an “upstanding” church member. My Mother was so ashamed by it that she never shared it with us and he was never prosecuted. By doing this, my sister suffered and we walked around in the midst of wolves.
    Speak up, my sisters, because through your voices others will be touched and healed.

    • http://iwokeupyesterday.com iwokeupyesterday

      thank you Brenda for walking YOUR journey out before so many, and for walking WITH us. you are loved. Jenny

  • http://iwokeupyesterday.com iwokeupyesterday

    Love you Brenda, and praying for many more victories in your life and those you love!! Tammy